ever optimistic

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter.
In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.                  
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go. 
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling 
Nearly $1 million. 
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.  She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, 
These holdings had multiplied and these were the 
Results of her savings and investments. 
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!' 
That's when she shot him. 
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut! 
 
Women are like phones: 
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red headed woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes’.

Absolutely

who else read it in a Pam Ayres accent??

who else read it in a Pam Ayres accent??

Me,  and I pictured sat in a chair on the set of "That's life" in 1979

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES👇😂
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
 "Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Callum known as Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, was he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks into them & turning them on whilst helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me...  Anyway, just read in the local paper that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose..  It's never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, 
washing machines live longer with Cal gone...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham  and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
🤣🤣

I was interested in a thread further down where @Andy135hope I got the name right, was asking about cod and in particular; "Back on topic for a moment, has anyone had any success bouncing a lure across open ground for cod, or only on wrecks? Thinking it could be a good technique to cover lots of ground to find the fish, rather than using a bait as long as yer arm to draw them (and every other species) in."
Rather than drag an old topic up I thought I would put in my two penn'eth in as they are my bread and butter and luring is my preferred method.
Generalisations first; cod like a buzzy, noisy, tail thumping lure but will take things like savage gear sandeel slugs that have little movement or water noise but that is usually during the warmer months. Baited hokkais, Muppets etc over broken ground will get plenty of fish but smaller specimens so if there is little doing then drifting with a set of these may help find or attract a shoal or individual fish. We had a sticky day recently when big baits nailed to the bottom were getting little interest but rods in the holders with Muppets were getting the fish.
Firstly "bouncing" a fish type lure. Generally I don't bounce unless I am not getting fish, or not seeing any on the FF I lower to the bottom and keep it as close as possible with just the motion of the boat to impart movement. If you see fish on the sounder wind up 5-10ft and then let it free fall back. I prefer to rig weedless as I fish mainly over rough ground and where there are likely to be pots and I don't miss many proper takes. These are the lures I use taken at random to show what I mean by noisy.

The pink storm shad is a summer lure put in to show the differences, the lengths are similar but the tails are not.

That's why I prefer the ones on the right and centre, good tail thumping action! I doubt that the sidewinder in the centre would be much use in deep fast water on its own but could be used on a flying collar rig. The spiky gets used by me on a cheburaska (Cheb?) rig but would also be ok on a flying collar, I also use it on a stand up jighead rig if I know that there are cod about but are being picky however it does get snagged up a lot so be warned. Last bit is about rigging, generally I use 30lb flouro trace with a crosslock link rated well above the trace, usually 35kg, but we used to get a few small ling in the early summer so I used to up the trace then to 60-80lb but most times fish are hooked in the scissors or front upper of the mouth.
Variation on the above which can get you a bonus Pollock if they are about or helps visually is to have a short dropper about 3" long 12-18" above the shad and I use a sandeel slug or sluggo etc on a worm hook, again to stop unnecessary snagging but also to assist in keeping it horizontal. I sometimes use two droppers if it is summer as I find that small 3-4" slugs work best but later on I will use single droppers with 6-9" slugs or curltail.
I will add more later when I get time about using creature baits and other rigs etc, hope you find it useful.